I'm Funky and I Know It

So...  I think I smell bad.  Not like "homeless" bad or "tree-hugger" bad.  More like "old person" bad.  If I had to rate it on a scale of 1 to 100 with 1 being that "sweet baby smell" right after a bath and 100 being that "not so sweet smell" after a very senior person craps his diaper, I think I'm coming in around the 60's or 70's.  Great eras for bad clothing and groovy music, but not so great areas for the smell spectrum.

I just don't think I smell that great.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I bathe.  I floss.  You know when you haven't flossed for a while and when you finally do, it's like you've dislodged a piece of roadkill or something made of pure evil in there?   If you are laughing at this, you know what I'm talking about.  If you aren't laughing then you either 1) have never flossed which is super gross and you need to stop not doing that or 2) maintain a degree of oral hygiene bordering on obsessive and are in the minority.  (I suppose a third option is that you don't think I'm funny which hurts my feelings so don't mention it, okay?)  So anyway, it's not that smell on a regular basis.

I concede that recently I have tried to tone down the toxicity of my personal care products (damn you, Sodium Laureth Sulfate) and laundry detergents, make-up and cleaning supplies.  So hopefully, I am no longer exposing myself to harmful chemicals, but I think the trade-off is that now I kind of smell like an old person.  A lavender-scented old person.

Sigh.

It's like I can't get really clean.  I can exfoliate twelve layers of dead skin at the Korean spa but I feel almost instantly "dirty" again.  Like it's coming from the INSIDE.  Like I have some inner filtration system that's not fully functioning.  Oh, wait.  Isn't that my liver??

Double sigh.

I have a particularly keen sense of smell so perhaps I'm the only one noticing this, but if you've ever wanted to say, "Laura, you smell a little funky," you wouldn't hurt my feelings.  You'd actually validate my concerns and give me one less reason to think I'm a little crazy.

For now, I suppose I'll stick to my lavender-scented routine, Google detoxes I'll never have the Puritan commitment to undertake or finish and know that the only thing that stinks more than me is Cancer.